why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
