I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
