Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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