life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
