got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
