im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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