I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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