By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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