It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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