so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
