I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
