There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
