It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
