Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
