Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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