So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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