If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My vagina just clenched in fear
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
