I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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