Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
