I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
