things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
