I need to stop coming to work sober
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
