She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
