She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
