I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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