i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
