She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize