I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
