I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
tell me about the fingering
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