I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
