I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
