I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
