I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
How's work?
Spinning.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
