My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
