was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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