So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I supernannyed him into submission
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
