tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
