I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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