Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize