She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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