This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
