I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
