i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I could fuck to npr.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
