It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize