It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
