Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
