and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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