I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
