bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize