mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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