Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
