Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
