I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize