Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think I just sharted jello shots
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
