So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
