my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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