i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
