Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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