I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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